There's the old addage that "when it rains, it pours"....lately, its felt like its a torrential downpour for me. Nothing I do turns out correctly, no matter how hard I try. It seems like every attempt I made at doing anything just simply blows up in my face. I try to be nice to people (especially those whom I know don't like me) and they're just snot-nosed bitches to me in return--I get the How dare you even think of speaking in my presence-attitude. I don't have to put up with it and I refuse to put up with it any longer. If people want to be asses and bitches to me, they've got another thing coming. Of course, I say this, but in reality, I'm more like my mom than I'd like to admit--I don't fight back, I just sit there and take it and make myself feel like shit later for letting them talk to me that way. I guess by treating others the way they treat me doesn't make me any better than they are, does it? Maybe in this case, being the bigger person means sucking it up and dealing with it, hoping they get their just dessert in the end (and considering the fact that I know who I'm talking about--and probably no one else does--this particular individual will not receive any type of consequences for being a bitch to everyone. I guess that's the advantage of being one of the lead tech's best friends, huh?
I have yet another reason to put off mother-hood, and this one may be the icing on the cake. Brian went to see the neurologist today because everyone up to this point thinks that he has orthostatic hypotension. The neurologist, Dr. Nahhas, thinks that Brian may be having small seizures when he has these episodes. She's leaning more towards this than the OH because with the OH, people tend to black out and pass out. Brian doesn't do that. He gets really disorientated and confused, he knows what he wants to say but can't seem to say it, and he gets a look of sheer terror in his eye that is downright frightening to me. He also gets really jittery like his sugar is too high/too low, which causes him to freak out even more. As of right now, the next step is to do a sleep-deprived 8 hour EEG--this of course, means that I too will be sleep deprived because I'm the one who has to keep him up all night for his test. He's also spent time with the cardiologist because our PCP wants to make sure that there's nothing going on with his heart as well that could be a potential underlying factor in everything. AND to top it all off, we recently found out that Brian's pancreas has officially taken a shit on him so he's now a type 1 diabetic. This means that he's gone from 1 injection/day of insulin to 7--yes, 7 injections/day! According to the endocrinologist, Brian's immune system simply destroyed the rest of his beta cells (his insulin-producin ones) and he's not producing any insulin on his own. There's no getting rid of this one via diet/exercise--he's stuck with it for the rest of his life.
I know that having kids is supposed to be the pinnacle of a woman's life (ok, for 99.9% of women, it is anyways), but I can't seem to bring myself to willingly bring a child into this world with all the of the potential medical disasters they may inherit from Brian and myself. My adrenal issues alone would be sufficient to not even try and I can't willingly subject our child to a life of caring for his/her parents at a young age because they are no longer able to care for themselves due to various health issues.
I just wish someone would tell me what to think because I'm really tired of trying to figure stuff out on my own. It hurts too much to think about all of the possible consequences that can result from just one single action. I guess no matter what way I look at it, I'm pretty much fucked, huh?
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